News report from Yorkshire.

[Clunkmeister]

THE YORKSHIRE HERALD
 
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
 
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
 
Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
 
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. "It was a big job in more ways than one", he told us "I'd just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire."
 
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. "To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realize she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining license and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser."
 
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame. "I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow isn't there anymore. I don't know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous."
 
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant. "I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go when he's doing close up work, there's no way I'd guff (fart) on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.
 
My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get a chance – it just quietly crept out."
 
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened. "People just don't appreciate the dangers," he told us. "We get more callouts to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips.
 
We have a slogan 'Flame 'n fart – keep 'em apart'. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in the future
 
On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery." You couldn't make this up if you tried!
 
Cheers !!

[MARU 5137]

Oh gosh ! I saw  that on local news and read that in newspaper AND MY Ex place colleague who is now working for the Fire Service in West Yorkshire sent ME a link to read it this..

 

She and her fellow firefighters were in stitches reading this on their Fire Service bulletin!!

They've been teasing each other that "please warn ME when you want to Fart" while working on fires !!

Thanks Ernie for another giggle..

Have a great day.

 

 

 

 

..

[GusMac]

That's one where the call handler must have had a hard job keeping a straight face during the call. Thanks for brightening the morning Ernie! 😆

[GazzaS]

Armageddon!

 

[smitty44]

Yorkshire pudding?

[ScottsGT]

3 hours ago, GazzaS said:

Armageddon!

 

Gosh, I hope no gerbils were harmed in this story! 

[PanzerWomble]

Soiry kids is a wah story from 2016 . The Rotherham Bugle is a pisstake blog ...from the "about us "

 

We decided to launch The Rotherham Bugle after identifying a fundamental problem with other news based media covering  the South Yorkshire area – they are restricted by a requirement that they stick to reporting on things that actually happened. And here’s the problem with that –  what actually happened tends to be boring.

And so from the very start, we made an editorial decision to give facts a back seat. Yes, you may find a grain of truth hidden away somewhere, but it’s more by accident than design. If you do find something that’s true, don’t judge us too harshly. Anyone can make mistakes.

Our primary focus is on stuff that  we’d have liked to happen, had a story taken a more interesting turn. They’re the sort of things that might occur to you in the bath, on the bog or while sitting in your car waiting for the sodding lights to change at Whiston Crossroads.  Any similarity between the style and content of our stories and those featured in mainstream media, is purely intentional.

We hope you enjoy our alternative take on the news affecting people in Rotherham, and if there are any stories you feel we should be covering, we’d be delighted to hear from you.

https://www.rotherhambugle.com/about-us/

 

Funny regardless.

[Clunkmeister]

34 minutes ago, PanzerWomble said:

Soiry kids is a wah story from 2016 . The Rotherham Bugle is a pisstake blog ...from the "about us "

 

We decided to launch The Rotherham Bugle after identifying a fundamental problem with other news based media covering  the South Yorkshire area – they are restricted by a requirement that they stick to reporting on things that actually happened. And here’s the problem with that –  what actually happened tends to be boring.

And so from the very start, we made an editorial decision to give facts a back seat. Yes, you may find a grain of truth hidden away somewhere, but it’s more by accident than design. If you do find something that’s true, don’t judge us too harshly. Anyone can make mistakes.

Our primary focus is on stuff that  we’d have liked to happen, had a story taken a more interesting turn. They’re the sort of things that might occur to you in the bath, on the bog or while sitting in your car waiting for the sodding lights to change at Whiston Crossroads.  Any similarity between the style and content of our stories and those featured in mainstream media, is purely intentional.

We hope you enjoy our alternative take on the news affecting people in Rotherham, and if there are any stories you feel we should be covering, we’d be delighted to hear from you.

https://www.rotherhambugle.com/about-us/

 

Funny regardless.

We have a similar “Newspaper” here cal “The Babylon Bee”.  It’s stories are pure fiction, but they still seem to rev up the easily triggered and/or gullible.  Funny stuff

[Peterpools]

Still great fiction

 

[PanzerWomble]

I always enjoyed hearing about Lake Wobegon . 

[MikeCharlie]

On 2/16/2023 at 1:28 PM, PanzerWomble said:

Soiry kids is a wah story from 2016 . The Rotherham Bugle is a pisstake blog ...from the "about us "

 

We decided to launch The Rotherham Bugle after identifying a fundamental problem with other news based media covering  the South Yorkshire area – they are restricted by a requirement that they stick to reporting on things that actually happened. And here’s the problem with that –  what actually happened tends to be boring.

And so from the very start, we made an editorial decision to give facts a back seat. Yes, you may find a grain of truth hidden away somewhere, but it’s more by accident than design. If you do find something that’s true, don’t judge us too harshly. Anyone can make mistakes.

Our primary focus is on stuff that  we’d have liked to happen, had a story taken a more interesting turn. They’re the sort of things that might occur to you in the bath, on the bog or while sitting in your car waiting for the sodding lights to change at Whiston Crossroads.  Any similarity between the style and content of our stories and those featured in mainstream media, is purely intentional.

We hope you enjoy our alternative take on the news affecting people in Rotherham, and if there are any stories you feel we should be covering, we’d be delighted to hear from you.

https://www.rotherhambugle.com/about-us/

 

Funny regardless.

The clues were there in the names of those concerned apart from anything else.  https://www.dictionary.com/browse/munter

And Jason Burns was just too much of a coincidence.